In my work with people, I've arrived at one fundamental hypothesis: we choose to be unhappy when something we care about is not going our way and is beyond our control.

It could be a relationship that isn't working, a job that's not fulfilling, a disease, or even the weather--but when we feel powerless, we choose to depress, to overeat, to neglect meaningful relationships, to lash out, etc.

Alex, John, and Seane Marie--you're three of my closest friends and I really want your opinions on this.

Firstly, do you believe that unhappiness is a choice?

Secondly, do you agree that it's centered around a lack of control?

Thirdly, if you know anyone who could offer insight into this convo, feel free to invite him or her.

Love, Jmw.

if you define happiness as a persistent state of sadness, anger, regret, etc. then yes, i think ultimately its a choice (short of clinical depression - but even then refusing treatment is a choice of sorts).

The operative term though is persistent - being in any of the emotional states above is never a choice initially (and likely healthy in most cases when warranted). So really its just a matter of deciding when we've had enough of feeling that way.

I agree with you. But do you think that it generally stems from feeling like something is beyond your control?

Yes

I'm totally not used to you agreeing with me. Give me at least a day or two to let this moment sink in.

It feels a little weird.

To the original point, I actually think the sadness is directly correlated to the sense of helplessness, and ends up creating a vicious cycle of sorts.

Helplessness = lack of control, no?

If so, do you think that helplessness can be avoided in many cases?

This discussion is reminding me a bit of the Serenity Prayer, which, paraphrased, says 'Give me the power to act on what I can control, the restraint to let go of what I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference.'

All of which is to say that I think the boundaries between lacking control and having control are sometimes fuzzy. And I think sometimes 'unhappiness' (which is another vague term) can be caused by failure... specifically, something about which we did have control, but didn't perform as we would have liked? Not sure. Interesting discussion to be sure. :)

Here are some definitions:

thefreedictionary.com
thefreedictionary.com

Here's my take on your comment about control: while we can't control a lot of things--specifically, other people--choosing to focus on what we *can* control is how we rescue ourselves from the vicious cycle of helplessness that Alex mentioned above.

I'm still thinking on how to respond to unhappiness due to poor personal performance.

1. Overall, unhappiness is just an experience of what you don't like. People need to experience unhappiness to determine what would cause the opposite: happiness. That's how we grow.

Needs aside, unhappiness, just like any other emotion, is not always a choice. Emotions start as reactions.

You've said before that people "choose to anxiety" or "choose to nervous," but you can't always choose your reactions. We're animals. Emotions are first caused by internal chemical reactions. Anxiety can be caused by an allergy, nervousness by too much adrenaline, the feeling of love can be induced from drugs that release your body's serotonin. Unhappiness is initially a reaction. Reactions (like flinching from a flame) are not a choice -- at first.

That said, PROLONGED unhappiness is a choice.

While you can't control what makes you initially unhappy, you can control your length of unhappiness. A man stole your wallet, your girlfriend broke up with you for another guy, you missed your plane because security was too long. These are all things that will generally make you momentarily unhappy. It would be a odd to get excited for losing a hundred bucks, credit cards & your ID.

Now, if you chose to let it ruin your whole trip, you call your friends to tell them how unlucky you are, then get irate with the guy who ID's you when you're ordering a beer to mask your feelings ("I never get ID'd!!! WTF, I'm 28 years old dude!") then that's a choice. You're choosing to have a sh*tty night.

Yes, unhappiness is centered around a lack of control, and then coupled with an inumerable number of variables, other emotions & general experiences.

You want (x), but you can't have it.

You tried (y), but you're just not good at it.

You miss (z), but you just can't see them.

You need (q) but you just can't afford it.

Seane Marie, you bring up some really good points.

Consider some of these ideas as well:

1. We are animals and we do have 'reactions' to things. However, one could argue the reason why human beings have dominion over earth is because of our freewill--our ability to make choices. Most animals are conditioned to be one way--to react one way, and that's it.

We aren't limited to genetic, psychic, or environmental determinism. We can learn/adapt by choice. If we couldn't and we were all limited to our pre-programming, we would never evolve. The age old excuse "I am who I am" is really a way of saying, "I don't know how to change."

I believe we can choose to react differently.

2. Obviously, I agree.

3. Your variables are spot on.

I think you're right - we make that choice fairly consistently when control is out of our hands.

I've a brother who's a wonderful example of this, and also perhaps the intention behind the choice to be unhappy.

My younger brother is (was, he's a little older now) not particularly good at dealing with not getting his own way. Whenever he lost control in a situation and it went bad, and even more so if the turnout was his own fault, he would turn to great unhappiness, or more commonly - aggression. This anger was a tool he could use to try to regain control over a situation he felt he'd lost control in, and this was a fairly effective reaction.

So do you think perhaps our unhappiness is a step/attempt to regaining control?

I don't think that choosing unhappiness is a step toward regaining control; I think it's an obstacle. However, sometimes it can be unavoidable and necessary.

For instance, when a loved one passes away, we mourn. It can last for days, weeks, even years.

But even in this instance, my assertion that our unhappiness comes from a lack of control is true, right? In this case, we can't bring our loved one back. There is nothing we can do. We are powerless.

But the unhappiness we choose can have a ripple effect across our entire lives--we choose to neglect our health, friends, finances, home, etc.

Usually, it's not until we see this happening that we decide to choose something different.

So perhaps it's worth specifying the chance to regain control? A loved one passing is a lost cause, but a fall out with your partner is not.

Great discussion. I think another thing is that the more we fight an already bad experience, the worse it becomes. The longer the grieving person fights the passing of the loved one, the more he or she is stuck in grief. The more a person fights himself or the world because he is not getting his way, the angrier or more depressed he gets. When we are going through bad experiences and then seize up and become rigid, change becomes more difficult. So I would agree that what is at the root of unhappiness is a feeling of powerlessness or lack of control (and it's natural to have negative emotions around that.) But at some point you have to accept what you cannot change (a la the serenity prayer.) And that is a choice.

Sometimes trying to force a change when we are in a rigid place can bring more frustration, a sense of failure and continued unhappiness. When we can stop fighting our unwanted experiences and relax into them as much as possible, then our vision can open up and more options are apparent. The process becomes easier.

It's all about conditioning your mind to accept the things you cannot change and change the things you can, therefore effectively combating unhappiness.

Btw, this is a great little TED talk on happiness:
ted.com