Tonight is Halloween + Christmas x 9/11, as millions of weary Americans gather around their flat screens and iPhones for the warm wisdom of our nation's presidential debates. Will one of Romney's parts fall off, because he is so scared of the "bad botox" now? Will Obama finally admit to being the leader of both Communism and Islam? Could Mitt's hundred million dollars make a surprise appearance on FaceTime, from its castle in Switzerland?

We are now liveblogging this last romantic Florida evening between Mitt and Barry. They will not spend such a night together until January!

Everyone has taken a vow of silence, and not even Bob Schieffer knows the questions he will ask, thanks to a short-term memory erasure procedure administered just before showtime.

Nuclear war: This is the reason for the presidency, although we often forget, because the only foreign countries we know about are Israel and Mexico.

"Our hearts and our minds go to them." -- Mitt Romney, making no sense while trying to be human.

"We have to do what the president has done." -- Mitt Romney, missing the point of the debate.

Spot judgment on Obama's opening response: He is either the best or worst candidate in the history of Earth.

Mitt Romney equates "interrupt them" with "kill them," which is kind of terrifying when you think about how often he interrupted everyone during the previous two debates.

On a million American sofas, Americans are looking at each other right now and saying, "Mali? So now Mitt Romney knows about *Mali*??"

Oh, so Mitt *does* have a reason to be interested in Mali:

Barack Obama is fighting his Inner Polite Man and actually arguing with Romney.

Romney is fighting his Inner Martian by strongly denying he has made campaign speeches.

All this foreigner stuff is NOT as interesting as "who gets free abortions" and "my pension is not as long as your pension."

@AlexBalk reports from another teevee channel: "Giants are up by 2 in the 3rd, if that helps."

Knowing "their route to the sea" is evidence of Mitt Romney's deep knowledge of both foreign policy and the Law of the Sea.

When you hear "30,000 Syrians," take a drink of Arak and please, please pour a little on the floor for Mitt's concern for those 30,000. (At least *you'll* be sincere, right?)

I CAN'T WATCH!!!! AAAAHHHHHH. THE TIES!!!

Jesus, is Romney getting stomped by Polite Professor Obama? Did Romney's handlers tell him to stop interrupting? And did he interpret that as "stop talking"?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING CHOIRE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE "ON THE TOWN," to help the economy.

Crushing People: Good or Bad? Depends!

I am ready to be shallow and ask about what kind of Supercuts hairspray Mitt is wearing tonight.

This is why I can't keep watching this: twitter.com

Why does Mitt Romney not move his head when Barack Obama speaks? Oh man, Obama has the same head, when Romney speaks. Where are we.

Oh for god's sake ....

Wait, is our military awesome or does it lack "strength"?

Local Obama Tired.

I don't remember a "Green Revolution," what with the outcome. But I guess that is Obama's fault, that Iran still exists, is his point.

Could they maybe do a "tabletop gaming" thing, with AD&D pewter figures?

@jimnewell: The outcome of the "Green Revolution" was solar energy and Twitter.

Think of all the hot time-zone opportunities we can have with foreigners.

Mitt Romney suggests putting at least a third of your $100 million in Latin America. It's going nuts down there! Check your investments!

Wait where is foreign policy?!

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Mitt Romney said in the aughts that he wants to increase class sizes by ONE THOUSAND PERCENT!

"Still not talking about foreign policy, but Giants up 7-0 in the 4th."

"We can't afford things that don't sound good!"

"Check out my website, Bob Schieffer"

Oh and by the way Romney is running 20 points behind in MA.

Bob Schieffer is going to check his Xbox and see about this Mitt Romney.

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Maria, you realize Romney is only 20 points behind in Massachusetts because his *real* home is either Michigan or Mexico, where he is somewhere between 100 and 144 points ahead of Obamacare.

Is Mitt smiling? Or is it just gas?

The avuncular, condescending look of this guy. I don't know, is it "presidential"?

"We need to be thinking about space." -- Barack Obama, after a bong hit.

Papa, if only he'd been born in Mexico!! (Today on NPR they said he'd be growing peaches, if so.)

Old Navy Endorses Romney!

Romney: More war boats

Dude the president didn't "ask" for sequestration cuts!!

"Our Navy is old." -- Mitt Romney, having learned the age of the United States of America and its famous fighting sailors.

Somebody show this man a path to the sea!

(About this small Navy thing -- old thing -- by count of ships it is smaller, but capability of the current Navy obviously isn't -- ships have more than one cannon these days.)

Okay, he went with horses instead

Fix Bayonets 2012!

YAY ISRAEL, the only country America knows about in 2012, other than that other one? (Iranium?)

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Oh goody the "I starved Iranian people more than you ever could" part.

North Korea is so boiling some bunnies right now.

Obama notes he is president: "A United States president: me."

Please please please let Mitt say "nucular"...

What is everyone eating/drinking? I am having calzone and spinach salad, with a Firestone Solace Ale. It is so good!

I hate the Internet and myself because I am checking the Intrade numbers but they have Obama to "win" this "debate" at 89%, up from 65% when it started.

Bombing Iran is the only thing Romney hasn't promised to do on Day One... coward.

... and I was chewing just now, so who did Romney just threaten to nuke?

Châteauneuf-du-Pape, straight up.

You're a class act, Bustillos.

@Ken: I had flounder meuniere, spinach, potatoes and Smuttynose IPA.

Also, slightly wasted. But thank you.

Probably order an anusburger in an hour. I am drinking beer.

Polite Professor Obama really is stomping Romney here, politely, and I'm wondering if Romney really took the "stop interrupting" lesson as "stop talking."

It's like he thinks it's a test where he needs to name world leaders. I know those! I don't just study my pension!!

Um, WTF is up with the MSDN hitchhiker on my last post??!?!?!?

"Hey, we can just push this along here" -- Mitt Romney on how The Mullahs talk to each other.

Choire, what sort of fancy New York elite dinner did you have? Did it involve centrifuges?

Mitt will have the tightest, hottest sanctions since ... oh never mind, Obama says it's not true, and it is a "whopper." This is kind of the audio to PornHub clip.

Oh my GOOOOODDDD trips we have Taken!!

Trips to LONDON?!?!?

I bet Romney is a Frommer's guy anyway.

Whoa whoa Romney LIED about Obama visiting Israel? Romney really doesn't believe in the Israel God, does he?

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"WHAT IF ISRAEL CALLED YOU TO SAY BOMBS WERE ON THE WAY?" -- MODERATOR COMEDIAN GUY

North Korea's ears finally perked up.

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#endorse

not that anyone cares but I am downing copious dirty vodka martinis while I contemplate Mitt's latest approach: Agree with and repeat everything the Prez says but give it the more palatable nuance of white Mormon lips?

Intrade up to 95%, somebody make me stop oh god

Obama: "When I do stuff like, uhh, KILL BIN LADEN, which I did, when I KILLED BIN LADEN, the American people say, 'Hey, you KILLED BIN LADEN,' didn't you?' And I say, yes, yes I did."

"Well that's probably true." That just may pass the post-debate fact-checking. Congrats, Mitt.

Fox and Friends helped kill Bin Laden.

Filthy business but can't deny I'm glad it's over. Also it may go some distance toward shutting my dittohead brother up (probably not.)

There's about a zillion tweets saying that Mitt Romney Endorses Obama.

"Afghans are perfectly able to get killed by our drones ... I mean, 'defend their own country.'"

"There's about a zillion tweets saying that Mitt Romney Endorses Obama." Maria, please assure us that there will not be some kind of binders-related web meme out of this?

Mitt is thinking: hahahaha, a dude wanted to become a nurse?!?!? Now I know he's lying.

Would that I could! the Tumblrs are doubtless proliferating as we speak. p.s. "I know the word 'Pashtun'"!!

Mitt is new and improved Obama. Now with more whiteners.

Jesus H. Christ on a thousand Triscuits. "I support that entirely."

Drones: the new unmanned Navy of the sky!

In an age of almost total political polarization, they are both firmly committed to FLYING KILLER ROBOTS.

Skynet libel!

I am pissed at Obama but that is true. Things have gone from pitch-black to kind of charcoal grey.

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"The president was right." -- Romney, again.

What's next for Mitt Romney? 20 years of those "leadership forum" speaking tours for middle managers? A game show? A sex freakout?

>>Obama needs to say that he wants the POTUS power be limited by Congress but they won't let him try Gitmo folks on American soil so "I gotta shoot em where they live. You don't like it? You know how to stop me."

#wut I thought he was all hatin' on China like 48 hours ago.

I think he should be on the Thunderbirds TV show.

Even in the same answer!! "Our partner... counterfeiting our goods."

The Trade War Is As Big As THIS.

"China is selling us counterfeit DRONES!"

Mitt Romney knows about the invisible, silent trade war. Nobody else knows about this! Romney has so much money in China, he even knows about specific valves that are stealing our intellectual property.

Stutter bear is stuttering.

Flop sweat, it looks like!

Mitt will hopefully become the next generation Tony Robbins. He has the same chin.

"The people will look it up." The candidates need to invest in lmgtfy.com.

Good lord, this is the first time I've felt sorry for Mitt Romney. (AND I DO NOT feel sorry for Mitt Romney.) This is the keeper clip, I suppose: sweaty, shaking Romney jabbering like a guy at the end of the bar, on a cruise ship, while Obama is so cool and collected.

@AntDeRosa just posted the op-ed where Romney wanted to hang Detroit out to dry nytimes.com

That was just cruel, Bob.

The Bob Scheiffer laugh track is going to be my new ringtone. Are ringtones still a thing?

The more depressive me says that if there really is an important contingent of undecideds, they are so braindead that none of this will make them make an intelligent choice. But at least Mitt says teachers are the right height!

Well. That was the kind of closing statement -- Obama's, I mean -- that would have me weeping in the arms of Andrew Sullivan, if I had any pot right now.

Bob's Binder.

Okay, let's vote on this twitter thing, because it's a BINDING VOTE.

What a GUTTING. Good lord. I did not anticipate a rout like that.

thanks all for letting me participate. Ken, kudos. I go drink another martini now...

OK, on to a more competitive contest: the NLCS.

Had Obama got the final closing statement, I'm pretty sure the pundits would be "It's over, it's done!" But Romney was last, so it will be "not a knockout for Obama, but a solid whatever you call it."

Thanks everyone! Once again, your wit and personal style made this much less painful than it would've been by myself, weeping in the corner.

'solid whatever you call it.' exactly. and now David Brooks is making me sick.

bye

If anyone would like to have a "Post-coital tristesse" talk, please do! I will leave this open for 15 minutes, which should show a restraint that's utterly unknown on the cable news.

We must outlaw "debate" in the schools. Our children's children cannot be exposed to these horrible displays.

Thank you all very much. I watched a few minutes of idiots saying oh gee, hard to decide and then playing the horses 'n' bayonets clip, so.

My take-away: Romney said we should stop focusing on "killing bad guys." I can only assume that's because he's more interested in killing poor people instead.

MSNBC scored George Pataki as a post-debate interviewee! Take THAT CNN!!

And with that George Pataki reference, we conclude our liveblogging coverage the same way CNN is doing whatever CNN is doing. Thank you for reading and commenting and joining in, people of The Awl Community of the Internet. Good night, and may the American God have mercy on our valves.