Mike was a strikingly round robin. Always the early bird, never one to miss a meal; but also a "late bird," caught oftentimes sneaking into the Canopy Club's pantry for a midnight snack.

But at what cost? "Christ, where did I go wrong," Mike mumbled to himself one afternoon as he awoke in his crumb-filled nest. He wiped his beak clean of some stray Tweet-o Lay grease and decided it was time for a change. "Y'know what? I have a friend who can help me out here. A very eccentric friend. A friend named..."

"Raven Simmons." Though the fleeting sun that is ornithological celebrity had long since risen and fallen on his old friend, Mike had no doubt that Raven was just the guru he needed to help him sweat back into his youthful, svelte figure.

"But why bother?" he sighed. He knew the facts. The average Robin is blessed to eat worms and enjoy the morning sun for a mere two years. Mike was pushing 13 months. He had a good spring, he thought. He mated well — passed on his genes. He was fit in the Darwinian sense, he thought, why push it now? As he lay back down to snooze another 15, his eye caught a lower limb...

and the world went rainbow. Ever since he began eating his daily Tweet-o lay walking taco, the world did that. Thing is, Raven had taught Robin how to make the walking tacos, years ago, back in that one phase, but since Raven had found that organic homemade wheatgrass seed mix he'd been seriously less fun. Anyway rainbow. When the world goes rainbow, it really goes: Shit, look over there man, it's Kevin Costner, and is that? is that? That is, that's David Duchovny, and he's riding, uh riding, man is he riding ...

a pterodactyl in a World War I combat helmet? When the world went rainbow for Mike, it was often filled with all manner of flying dinosaurs: avisauri, rhamphorhynchi, microraptors, you name it. (The combat helmet was a novel addition to this rainbow event. David Duchovny appeared fairly frequently, though.) Mike scratched at his feathers anxiously, wondering whether things might have been better for his aerodynamic ancestors. Whether he might have been happier, more fulfilled, if...

he'd lived with Sam Neil and that guy who played Newman. Sam Neil would turn to him like a fat, precocious child and tickle him with a 99-cent raptor claw replica. "Velociraptor is smart." Newman would chuckle maniacally collecting Robin's seed in a repurposed shaving cream can. Soon Robin was rolling in so much pop culture detritus, Raven worried he'd evanesce into Ryan Seacrest's Drakkar Noir. Reaching out a feeble, rainbow-addled claw, Raven pinched Robin and screamed ...

and then "Jesus," he thought, "Is my name Mike?" Robin was experiencing a deep deep thought, he knew his ancestors would be very confused, if only he could go back, back before the wheatgrass, and the tacos, before Duchovny....

Before Duchovny, Mike was blissfully unselfconscious of his obesity. Sure, he couldn't fly nearly as far as the average robin. Sure, his doctor scolded him about the risks of excess avian adipose tissue. But he truly had mated well; he truly had enjoyed a blissful spring; and the coming winter would truly pass less painfully with an extra layer of blubber.

After Duchovny — or rather after seeing Duchovny's abs, through a nearby house's window late one recent summer night, during an episode of Californication, and then again when the world went rainbows — everything changed...

Mike realized he was gay. "What will I do?" he wondered. He'd never heard of another robin like him. What would his mate think of him? What of his offspring? Since a robin's life isn't all that long, he didn't have to worry about what his mother, father or grandparents thought. Say...he could just fly away and leave this all behind! "Hum," thought Mike, maybe this IS a rainbow world! I' think I'll go to...

"Fire Island? Key West? Nah, too cliched... I think I'll see Mr. Duchovny! In fact, that would be a great idea," thought Mike. "If I fly across the country, I'm bound to see those extra ounces melt away. And, once DAVID (dare I think of him as David?) sees me, he'll be impressed and want me to hang out at his bird feeder." So away Mike winged...