I'm running a panel as part of a fundraiser I'm organizing for the Lower Eastside Girls Club. The panel theme is focused around mentorship. I'm crowdsourcing my panel mod questions here. So far, I'm thinking:

In a world where the hope of "having it all" as a woman crafting a work-life balance is fraught with frustrating realities, what do we tell girls to strive for?

In a political climate in which women feel more marginalized than they have in decades, how can we stay focused on amazing achievements while facing unyielding difficulty?

So interesting--especially after Anne-Marie Slaughter's controversial editorial "Why Women Still Can't Have It All" in The Atlantic earlier this summer (theatlantic.com).

Have any of you heard about Caitlin Moran's new book "How to Be a Woman"? I haven't read it yet, but it's generating a ton of hype. She is a British feminist and cultural critic and she shares an interesting perspective on the topic of work-life balance (and some other, trés personal topics) in this interview: thehairpin.com

You've probably seen these already, but they've both given me a lot of food for thought...

Interesting. This is a really difficult question, especially since at 23 I often feel a little bit unprepared to answer many of these questions—ha!

Irin Carmon wrote a really good piece on Michelle Obama's "mom-in-chief" comment in her DNC speech. She quotes Rebecca Traister who said about Michelle that "in her own mind, two visions of herself were at war with each other."

Two visions. War. That's really binary on the surface — same with the vocabulary of feminism's right to "choose," etc. And I actually think that's a little unfair. Life is never binary when you live it. We all have many choices to make, and teaching girls that what they will actually have to do is navigate, not choose, is really important. Ultimately, it's up to them.

Libby- I love that perspective. The pressure to "choose" is in itself antifeminist. So much of what women have achieved, personally, politically, and societally, comes from the ability to "navigate". Of course, that's not to ignore centuries of outright fighting, protesting, and using bodies and voices tirelessly to achieve and maintain basic human rights.

When I think about mentorship, I think about how to tell girls how awful shit used to be, before we were born. How we can't take anything for granted and how we aren't allowed to be scared to be labeled a 'feminist' because of how far we've come. How awful it still is in so many places in the world. How lucky we are to be in a position to speak freely about the awfulness...

...but I feel like ten years ago, I might have felt more sure about saying those celebratory & affirmative things than I do now. I don't feel sure that my daughters will share the reproductive rights I have. I don't feel like I can honestly tell a girl that if she's in trouble, she can count on police to help (xojane.com).

I don't even know if I can tell a girl that she can be a mom AND be president or get married AND run a company. I don't know in part because I don't have kids right now, and so I'm still in a place of looking for mentorship. And I'm seeing a lot of empathy and lot of acknowledging how hard it still is. Maybe that's really what mentorship means - not providing answers, but helping to articulate the questions.

@Casey - Totally. The Atlantic story was great, and I'm looking forward to reading How to Be a Woman and Hanna Rosin's book The End of Men, too. (The latter comes out this week.)

I still don't really identify as feminist, though. I don't mean that offensively and I don't have a particularly good reason why, but for some reason I've never really felt as though I was a card-carrying member, whatever that means. (And that's despite a decade of all-girls education at Sacred Heart schools and Barnard.) Somehow I managed to not take a single feminism class while I was at the latter, too. Still kind of kicking myself for that... Maybe I'd have a better handle on my answer.

@Libby - I'm fascinated! Tell me more! Do you think it has to do with feeling like to claim to be a 'feminist', you need to have more historical context / to have been a women's studies major - some qualification? Or do you see it as a political position? Or neither, or something else?

I added my high school journalism adviser who might have an interesting perspective for this if she's around to share.

@Kara - I'm not sure. Part of it is that I've always felt that "feminist" is neither a prerequisite for nor a direct consequence of caring about women's rights or issues.

Maybe it's personal, because I've always felt similarly about political parties. For me, labels like that have always come secondarily — if organization is necessary to accomplish a goal like, say, women's suffrage or ending sex discrimination by lobbying for Title IX.

Then again I'd imagine there were probably people who lobbied for Title IX who didn't identify as feminists, either. WHO KNOWS.

In terms of teaching younger kids (not just girls) about this kind of thing, though, what you said about "providing answers, but helping to articulate the questions" probably circumvents this nicely. It's not my job to have FIGURED OUT what it means to be a feminist at 23. It's my job to help them feel comfortable trying to figure it out, too.

@Libby I was just about to share that Salon piece about Michelle Obama as well, it's a great read. I do also feel similarly about not quite identifying with being a "feminist" since it is a loaded term that is often tossed around with negative associations and stereotypes.

I think part of mentoring is building more forums for women to comfortably share experiences and best practices, providing encouragement for our peers' ambitious career and life goals, and for women who have made it to top positions, such as Sheryl Sandbergs and Marissa Mayer, to continue to blaze the trail and help open doors for other women.

Speaking of Sheryl Sandberg, wanted to share this talk by Libby Lieffer, her right hand woman, who touches on this topic too.

As an aside, my good friends from NYU started a great group called Her Girl Friday (I accidentally attached it to the post above) which is geared towards helping empower women in non-fiction storytelling. They put together a panel titled "The Art of the Pitch" where top editors encouraged women to pitch more stories, learn to cope with rejection and change the ratio of men to women telling narratives. Adding my friend Talisa (one of the co-founders) to this branch to chime in and explain in more detail too.

Not sure how this exactly ties in with this branch, but I'd love to help encourage the same kind of camaraderie and mentorship for women in the tech and food industry as well. I am open to ideas, input and co-conspirators!

Also thought I'd share my friend Audrey's piece on Michelle Obama's speech.

I was going to add her to this branch but realized I can only add one person!

I'm honestly stuck on the lack of identification with feminism as a term. I mean, on a very plain-facts basis, being a feminist means only to believe in equal rights - social, political, economic, human - for women. I don't think that's loaded or controversial. I think, in fact, that to reject the term robs the very arguments that are prefaced with 'I'm not a feminist, but..' of much of their power. If, when you say 'negative stereotypes', you're referring to anger, I identify with that anger. I'm angry.

On the other hand, yes, the feminist movement is fraught with a history of racism, classism, ableism, equality ONLY for a certain kind of woman. But for me, that doesn't mean the term has outlived its usefulness in future contexts.

The negative connotations with the term 'feminist' are mostly because of the extreme feminists that express such behaviour. By no means am I against or despise equal rights but I'm just responding to your point, Kara, and adding another perspective.

As a 26 y/o entrepreneur in Nicaragua, I have been facing this kind of issue and question more and more often. Not only do the men I am surrounded with in business meetings ask all the time for "mentoring" on promoting women in the workplace, but young girls ask for "mentoring", too.

All I can really share with both audiences is my experience, which amounts to — go after what you want & work hard.

Being the only woman in the room didn't bother me at all until it was brought to my attention. Is that weird?

I'm coming to this party a little bit late, but I'm really fascinated with the dialogue. I've always eschewed the feminist label, yet my actions/advocacy would almost always suggest otherwise. My modus operandi is to just get things done. Working in a hyper-masculine job post-college, it was easier to navigate the system by asking for what I was worth/needed instead of calling the gender inequalities into light. Yet that was frowned upon. Often I was seen as "too ballsy." Ironically, the women one generation ahead of me who had "made it," were ironically worse to younger generations of women (than the male partners) because we didn't have to blaze the trail. I think this conversation about mentorship is SO important. It's still broken.

As a health & lifestyle coach and someone talking to 300+ high school kids & parents next week on a similar topic, we tell them to ASK more often. Ask more questions. Ask for their worth. Ask for what they need. Ask for help. Ask for the creative solution. Our intuition and often more radiant style of thinking is one of our greatest assets, yet I see a generation of women (many are my clients) struggling and limited by their own self-imposed worst case scenarios. I think we all share in the responsibility to model that behavior.

Equality is wonderful, though there is a danger. It could go too far. Women would then be in an elevated status, not at equal; causing even more issues. Just keep that in mind. I agree with what you are all saying.

@Kara, I share much of what you are mentioning, except I am considered the one to "blaze the trail". Not only is this applauded by some, but it is horrendously frowned upon by others. (For example, I gave a TEDx Talk a few days ago and some female family members still refuse to mention it because they consider my place to be elsewhere, not blazing that trail.)

My issue is living in a society where women are not just limited by their own self-imposed worse case scenarios, they are also limited by those of others. You're right — we all share in the responsibility to model that behavior.

PS. Random question — many men tell me that girls who are executives and "go for it" are manly. What does a successful feminine person look like then?

@Marcella - thanks so much for sharing your perspective, especially from outside the US. I think what you're saying about being the only woman in the room makes sense - often what's difficult about it is when you feel pressure to be representative of a group, rather than having the freedom to only speak for yourself? Since you mention that female family members aren't necessarily supportive of the career you've chosen, do you think you've looked outside of your family for mentorship? Where did you find it?

@Kara - Yes, it is still broken. I think the dynamic between women in corporate positions of different generations is fascinating. We have a younger demographic represented in this conversation thus far - I'd love to hear from others!

@Marcella - I think you brought up an interesting point about the "manliness" of the go-getting woman. I think early in my career I was probably very guilty of this. In order to be seen as "equal," I had to be this hypermasculine version of yourself. (I wasn't alone.) It was exhausting; and I learned my lesson. The. Hard. Way. Understanding what assertive behavior in the workplace looks like is really important. (That doesn't mean we always get it right. That's a lot of pressure to be that "perfect" all the time.)

What if women, instead of trying to fit in, created what we all desire no matter what other's say or threaten. It sounds really idealistic but in can occur in increments. Women have just got to bad together.

@ Kara You have made an intriguing point by 'mentioning outside the US'. What about women in other cultures? Interesting.

@Kara Rota, definitely the mentorship has come from what I can find via my computer. For example, videos of Brene Brown (which I later met in person), videos and workbooks by Danielle LaPorte (also then later met in person), interviews, articles, etc. All of this content on female extraordinaires — it's all the mentorship I've needed. But a real one-on-one conversation on how to DEAL with "opposition" or judgement would be helpful, too, right?

@Kara Martin, It *is* exhausting, isn't it? I even feel, at times, the pressure to "fit in" with the male programmers that work with me. The "dude"s and "bro"s start flying and somehow I start joining in? But I find that they appreciate much more when I am myself, when I am understanding, etc instead

@Marcella - We can still participate. I probably say "dude" more than any sentient, professional woman probably should. But when we participate as the most authentic natural version of ourselves, it can actually be energizing, instead of depleting. It's when we're joining in and not in alignment with our personal values, that we get spent...fast. Do you notice a sensation in your body when it feels out of whack? For me, my gut feeling weird is my equivalent of a "Check engine." light on my car's dashboard.

I am in my forties. I have a successful career AND two children.

I do not regret it, or feel harassed or time-pressured.

The key is this: if you want to pursue a career and have children, you must have those children with someone who is fully committed to being an EQUAL parent. Don't have kids with someone who assumes that you'll be taking maternity leave but they won't ever be taking parental leave. Too many young women (and young men) simply fall into the default mode where women still do all the caretaking labor that is required to run a family.

amazon.com

:)

@Lisa - What do you tell your kids about this kind of thing? (Not sure how old they are or whether they've started asking about choosing jobs, making families or "a life," etc.)

@Kara - How did your panel go?! Any insights?

My kids are boys age 8 and 11. They've grown up in a home where their father is an equal parent. To them, that's normal.

I also nudge them away from traditional notions about who does caretaking by telling them they can earn money as mothers' helpers in the neighborhood (and when they're older, by babysitting). Boys get the idea very early that caring for kids is womens' work if we're not careful.

realmente no entiendo la pregunta. quien podria explicar mas a fondo de que se trata la pregunta?

@Lisa - I think you're absolutely right. Although I'm frustrated at how much it's an uphill battle to model non-heteronormative relationships in a culture where assumptions about family roles are made consistently and pervasively, I know from experience that what happens at home has such a huge impact on the expectations and beliefs children grow up with.

@Libby - the panel is October 11, and I'd love for everyone who participated in this Branch to come! zokos.com

I also want to thank @Audrey Quinn for doing a fantastic piece on CBS' SmartPlanet inspired by this Branch and this topic. smartplanet.com

@Lisa - Thanks for sharing as I'm at the crossroads of a post-marriage career and family crossroads with my biological clock ticking in the background. The notion of having it all and taking a non-traditional view of how a household "should" run has been something on my mind a lot. I like what you're practicing at home.