The heading is self-explanatory, I would hope.
I would kill SF right off the bat. The hipster twee would meet my knife.
I would fuck Franzen but I'd do it drunk, at the end of a late night at a dive when we're the last two people left at the bar from our group. I'd leave before he wakes in the morning. He'd still make me feel bad about myself.
I'd marry Letham but I'd always resent that my name was so close to his in book stores. Not that those will exist anymore by the time he gets a divorce and can marry me. Ha ha; I'm dying inside. It wouldn't be entirely awful, he seems like someone who can bend a little, jam some. I'd always say well-meaning but condescending insights such as; "I think it's so great that you write mystery novels so well" and he'd grow to resent me.
Can't imagine being married to Franzen, but I do want him around to see what he comes out with next so I would take the fuck -- for literature.
Never actually read Safran Foer, and no real hate but in this group he goes.
Lethem seems like the decent marriage choice -- not obviously tortured. Would have to catch up on his back catalog and hold back on my full opinions on Chronic City.
Maybe a year or so ago, I said I'd kill Safran Foer. And it's still true that today I find him the most viscerally loathsome, but—for literature—I think I have to kill Franzen. Having sex with Safran Foer is the sacrifice I am willing to make to rid the world of a person who actually factors the attractiveness of a woman writer in his evaluation of her work IN THE NEW YORKER. Lethem is probably a fine husband.
I decided that I wanted to kill Franzen about 1/3 of the way into Freedom and by the time I was finished, I knew that I wanted to murder him with his own over-wrought, self-important prose. I imagine a slow beating with a softbound copy followed by suffocation by pages 300-400.
I've had a literary boner for Lethem since I first picked up Motherless Brooklyn, so I guess I should fuck him and get it over with. At this point, though, I'm sure it will be the equivalent of sleeping with an aging rockstar because you loved their first album...bittersweet and ultimately unfulfilling.
This leaves me to marry Safran Foer. I hope he is less annoying in person and isn't offended by the fact that I've never been able to finish one of his books
I think I'd kill Franzen because while he's a brilliant writer, his pronouncements on various topical issues really irk me. His hipster-ish inclination to dismiss social media and promote a kind of rebellious Neo-Ludditism is really jejune.
I'd marry Foer because I think 'Everything is Illuminated' is one of the best novels of the 21st century. I think 'Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close' is under-rated too.
I'd fuck Lethem as his fiction and style inspires lustful jealousy. Ha!
Thanks for your feedback! Team Branch